It's a common story. You finally decide to spend the night with the person you just started seeing. If it was an awful or slightly awkward night, then there usually is no problem - you wake up, make up some excuse, grab your things and go. You can take your morning poo in the first public restroom you find if you can't successfully make it all the way back to the comfort of your own home.
But when you dig the person, the night was great, and you want to stick around the next day to feed your curiosity a bit more, then you are faced with the question of where and how to take your morning poo.
I often find myself scouting out the terrain from the minute I realize I might be there long enough to eventually have to poo: Is there more than one bathroom in the house? If so, which is in the best location and has the best amenities for the safest poo? I factor in sound and smell by questioning if there is a throw carpet to absorb some of the reverb. Thick or thin walls? And by quickly calculating which is the closest room to each bathroom, what purpose that room serves, who resides in it the most and how will that person's experience of my poo affect the new relationship? And of course, the follow-up question regarding smell - do you leave the door open so it can air out more quickly yet run the risk of the odor spreading through the rest of the house or keep it closed and hope no one else needs that bathroom for a good 10 minutes. Ideally, there is a nice little bathroom sized window that can easily open. But one can only hope.
Then you have to think of your "excuse". Do you say you have to go pee and then just hope it comes out quickly enough so that you are only away for the average length of time for a number one rather than the length of a number two. Do you say you are going to change your clothes in the bathroom or you are going to wash-up? Do you just disappear?
The best method I have found, and I am sure most of you will agree, is the shower trick. This can be used when you have to poo in any uncomfortable house guest situation. Saying you are going to take a shower accounts for all the variables - it gives you a good length of time, blocks out the noise with the running water, and covers up the smell with the fragrance of soaps and shampoos. Plus you feel so clean afterwards!
Anybody have any other tips or factors to add in? Please enlighten us.
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I find that padding the toilet with a good several inches of toilet paper will efficiently dampen the PLOOP sound you get when you score a direct hit with a sizeable chunk.
ReplyDeleteAs for the smell, the humane thing is to have an air freshener in every toilet. What a world that would be... Air vents are also a very welcome attachment, providing both background noise and fragrance removal. It's worth noting that after conducting several experiments on the subject I found a certain asymmetry in the way we perceive bathroom noises. Sometimes, farts we are sure can be heard throughout the house are not even heard in the adjacent room. The best system I have come up with, when in a strange house with a noisy bowl movement coming up - is to simply cover my ears as I go at it, hoping that no one else can hear me as well.
Thanks for sharing Oren! That is some great advice. I never thought of padding the bowl before. Does it effect the plumbing?
ReplyDeleteYou need to be careful with the toilet paper to avoid a stoppage... i.e. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aikg6OP3jwU
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ReplyDeleteNever under-estimate the power of the courtesy flush directly after your initial deposit. It doesn't do away with the odor completely but sure does make the situation more manageable. Also, if others use that bathroom..."Must've been somebody else."
ReplyDeleteWow, finally! I site about poo! This is something that has been sorely needed for a long time. Thank you, Lil' Miss Poo; you are indeed serving poopers everywhere. (I especially like the shower advice.)
ReplyDeleteWow, I just noticed the great Lil' Miss Poo Logo!! Pink laptop and all...
ReplyDeleteLil Miss poo you need to make sure you don't leave any stains in the toilet. the best way is padding the toilet. After all pooing is like commetting a crime, you need to cover up all the evidence....
ReplyDeleteI'm still adjusting to the fact that this site exists, but felt the need to comment on this issue. The shower strategy is inspired, but think of how much water that wastes. Depending on how long you take it could be anywhere from 1 to...a LOT of liters. Does Mother Earth really have to suffer at the expense of a discrete poo? I think not.
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