Other words for "poo"

Just thought I would write a good useful list of terms for various situations. Please add on:

BM, crap, defecation, discharge, dung, excrement, excretion, fecal matter, feces, feculence, flux, go to the bathroom, manure, number two, shit, stool, waste, doody, dookie, dropping the huxtables off at school, deuce, dump, poop

Projectile Poo

I spent yesterday in bed after a brief case of food poisoning. I thought the experience would have produced some material for the blog but there was nothing but plain ole' puke yesterday.

Today, however, was a blog-worthy experience.

I didn't eat much after yesterday. Some snacks here and there. As today went on I felt better and better. So I decided to meet an old friend for a late night run.

Two laps into the run my stomach began to cramp. No big deal. I assessed the situation and felt I could hold out until the end of the run.

But, when I saw the public restrooms in the park - stand alone caravans with full lighting, running water, and toilet paper - I couldn't refuse! Going for a poo could only help the run. So, I took my leave from my buddy and went on in.

I wasn't sure what to expect since I had not eaten very much that day. So, I went for the "high squat hover over the seat" technique rather than the "cover the seat with paper and sit down comfortably" approach, figuring I would not be that long. Big mistake...really big mistake.

It came out of nowhere! Forceful, vociferous, uncontrollable!

What was that????

It was an indescribable experience that baffled me. Ok, so this is not the first time it has happened. I have hovered in a lot of port-o-potties at a lot of music festivals. But it is the first time I was inspired to come home and look it up. I thought, for sure, the internet would provide a definition for this kind of crazy natural phenomenom and perhaps even some preventative measures.

Not knowing how to describe what happened, strangely, the first search words that came to mind were "projectile" and "trajectory".

I started with "projectile":

According to Wikipedia, "Many projectiles... contain an explosive charge. With or without explosive charge a projectile can be designed to cause special damage"..

..well, this projectile certainly was explosive and definitely caused a bit of damage to that bathroom stall and to anyone who walks into it in the very near future.

So, is it kind of like projectile vomiting but just from the other end?

Ehow defines projectile vomiting as "a sudden and temporary condition that occurs when your body's gastrointestinal system decides it must immediately rid itself of your stomach's contents. Projectile vomiting is not only unexpected and uncontrollable--it, unsurprisingly, is also quite uncomfortable".

Yes, this was defintely unexpected, uncontrollable and quite quite uncomfortale.

So, does that make it projectile diarrhea? But there is no such medical term as projectile diarrhea...at least according to any legitimate sites on the internet.

Urban dictionary has one entry for projectile diarrea - "Much like projectile vomit. In most average cases shit comes flying out of one's ass at 5000 miles per hour and rips your ass cheecks off, therefore leaving you assless for the rest of your life, unless the ass fairy comes in and creates new ass cheecks out of chicken fat for you".

Come on....that's just ridiculous. Ass cheeks and the ass in general are completely fine. It is the toilet and its surroundings which have taken the beating.

Is it really undefined?!? So, then how does one cope?

Here is one theory that I am in the process of analyzing: http://hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu/Hbase/traj.html

As far as I, the untrained physicist can understand, it says here that the trajectory is influenced by

the range of projectile (how much circumference you have between your "release point" and the full width of the toilet bowl?),

which is influenced by the height of the projectile (the distance between your "release point" and the toilet seat?)

which effects the time of flight (how long the poo is in free fall?)

Effected by the launch speed (how long you wait before releasing and thus how much pressure has built up?)

Which, finally, dictates the launch angle.

Oh...to be able to measure all of these factors in the heat of the moment. To know how to adjust your aim? When to tilt your pelvis forwards? To Raise up? To Lower down? But not too far down cause god forbid you touch the seat.

I beg of you, my physicist readers. Please help us analyze these factors so we can be good citizens and help improve the cleanliness of our public restrooms.

Apologetic Poo

I must apologize. I have abandoned you. Its not like the thought to connect with you all did not cross my mind every time a new blogging topic surfaced (at least once a day when all was going well;). But I am back. And I am re-committing to further sharing. Stay tuned for my thoughts on how my poo and my dogs poo are sometimes similar, the ever fascinating discussion about the "morning after drinking beer" poo, and much, much more.

No-Poo Days

You ever have those days when it just doesn't come easily? You get some out here and there but it is never the full shebang that leaves you feeling renewed, skinny, light, and ready to get on with the day.
Maybe you are especially busy and just don't have the time to sit. Somehow your morning routine just flies by and the regular poo just never seems to materialize to a point of enough urgency to force you to go straight for the quick complete release. Sometimes, even after a cup of coffee or two, you can't relax enough or find the time. Or you are moving from public place to public place or meeting to meeting. Or you are with a group of people, or even just one person, and you feel like they are always waiting for you, upping the pressure for you to perform in a timely manner...a surefire way to leave you only half-fullfilled (or un-filled).
I don't know about you but these times kill my day. I feel bloated and heavy and sometimes even get painful headaches. I am always strategizing the next best opportunity or making lame excuses to get away making me seem slow, whiny, and distracted. Occasionally a cigarette helps. But smoke poos are quick induced poos and therefore do not produce maximum results - they only manage to effect the tip of the iceberg if you know what I mean.
If you have to wait a whole day through for that perfect poo, then, in my opinion, it is worth it, as long as at the end of the day, you can take a nice hot shower to cleanse away the worries and relax the muscles, put on comfy clothes, grab some reading material and a lap top, forget those around you and really sit with yourself for a bit and let it go, no matter how long it takes. You deserve it. You will sleep so well and tomorrow, you and all of those around you will be in a better place.

Pooing in Foreign Lands

I just recently came back from a trip to Lebanon. Like many other Middle Eastern and Asian countries they ask you not to flush any paper down the toilet. But it is just habit to wipe and drop. I mean, those of us who have grown up in the West have been doing it since time immemorial - literally. Can you remember a time in your life when you were not potty trained and wiping yourself?

Anyway, in those places that beg of you not to wipe and drop but rather to wipe and then throw in the waste basket, why is it that they put the sign up behind the toilet? Unless that sign is staring me in the face as I am doing the deed, I am not going to be able to break the habit. Heck, even when (after many mistaken wipe and drops) I decided to physically remove the sign myself and place it on the garbage can and place the can right in front of the other can so that I am basically straddling it as I poo, I still can't manage to break the habit of wiping and dropping in order to wipe and waste. Usually I get the hang of it on the last day of the journey and then it is time to go home.

Who is the poor soul who has to empty the trash can anyways? Am I, in fact, doing some kind of humanitarian service by maintaining the wipe and drop habit?

New Relationship Poo - What to do?

It's a common story. You finally decide to spend the night with the person you just started seeing. If it was an awful or slightly awkward night, then there usually is no problem - you wake up, make up some excuse, grab your things and go. You can take your morning poo in the first public restroom you find if you can't successfully make it all the way back to the comfort of your own home.

But when you dig the person, the night was great, and you want to stick around the next day to feed your curiosity a bit more, then you are faced with the question of where and how to take your morning poo.

I often find myself scouting out the terrain from the minute I realize I might be there long enough to eventually have to poo: Is there more than one bathroom in the house? If so, which is in the best location and has the best amenities for the safest poo? I factor in sound and smell by questioning if there is a throw carpet to absorb some of the reverb. Thick or thin walls? And by quickly calculating which is the closest room to each bathroom, what purpose that room serves, who resides in it the most and how will that person's experience of my poo affect the new relationship? And of course, the follow-up question regarding smell - do you leave the door open so it can air out more quickly yet run the risk of the odor spreading through the rest of the house or keep it closed and hope no one else needs that bathroom for a good 10 minutes. Ideally, there is a nice little bathroom sized window that can easily open. But one can only hope.

Then you have to think of your "excuse". Do you say you have to go pee and then just hope it comes out quickly enough so that you are only away for the average length of time for a number one rather than the length of a number two. Do you say you are going to change your clothes in the bathroom or you are going to wash-up? Do you just disappear?

The best method I have found, and I am sure most of you will agree, is the shower trick. This can be used when you have to poo in any uncomfortable house guest situation. Saying you are going to take a shower accounts for all the variables - it gives you a good length of time, blocks out the noise with the running water, and covers up the smell with the fragrance of soaps and shampoos. Plus you feel so clean afterwards!

Anybody have any other tips or factors to add in? Please enlighten us.