Projectile Poo

I spent yesterday in bed after a brief case of food poisoning. I thought the experience would have produced some material for the blog but there was nothing but plain ole' puke yesterday.

Today, however, was a blog-worthy experience.

I didn't eat much after yesterday. Some snacks here and there. As today went on I felt better and better. So I decided to meet an old friend for a late night run.

Two laps into the run my stomach began to cramp. No big deal. I assessed the situation and felt I could hold out until the end of the run.

But, when I saw the public restrooms in the park - stand alone caravans with full lighting, running water, and toilet paper - I couldn't refuse! Going for a poo could only help the run. So, I took my leave from my buddy and went on in.

I wasn't sure what to expect since I had not eaten very much that day. So, I went for the "high squat hover over the seat" technique rather than the "cover the seat with paper and sit down comfortably" approach, figuring I would not be that long. Big mistake...really big mistake.

It came out of nowhere! Forceful, vociferous, uncontrollable!

What was that????

It was an indescribable experience that baffled me. Ok, so this is not the first time it has happened. I have hovered in a lot of port-o-potties at a lot of music festivals. But it is the first time I was inspired to come home and look it up. I thought, for sure, the internet would provide a definition for this kind of crazy natural phenomenom and perhaps even some preventative measures.

Not knowing how to describe what happened, strangely, the first search words that came to mind were "projectile" and "trajectory".

I started with "projectile":

According to Wikipedia, "Many projectiles... contain an explosive charge. With or without explosive charge a projectile can be designed to cause special damage"..

..well, this projectile certainly was explosive and definitely caused a bit of damage to that bathroom stall and to anyone who walks into it in the very near future.

So, is it kind of like projectile vomiting but just from the other end?

Ehow defines projectile vomiting as "a sudden and temporary condition that occurs when your body's gastrointestinal system decides it must immediately rid itself of your stomach's contents. Projectile vomiting is not only unexpected and uncontrollable--it, unsurprisingly, is also quite uncomfortable".

Yes, this was defintely unexpected, uncontrollable and quite quite uncomfortale.

So, does that make it projectile diarrhea? But there is no such medical term as projectile diarrhea...at least according to any legitimate sites on the internet.

Urban dictionary has one entry for projectile diarrea - "Much like projectile vomit. In most average cases shit comes flying out of one's ass at 5000 miles per hour and rips your ass cheecks off, therefore leaving you assless for the rest of your life, unless the ass fairy comes in and creates new ass cheecks out of chicken fat for you".

Come on....that's just ridiculous. Ass cheeks and the ass in general are completely fine. It is the toilet and its surroundings which have taken the beating.

Is it really undefined?!? So, then how does one cope?

Here is one theory that I am in the process of analyzing: http://hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu/Hbase/traj.html

As far as I, the untrained physicist can understand, it says here that the trajectory is influenced by

the range of projectile (how much circumference you have between your "release point" and the full width of the toilet bowl?),

which is influenced by the height of the projectile (the distance between your "release point" and the toilet seat?)

which effects the time of flight (how long the poo is in free fall?)

Effected by the launch speed (how long you wait before releasing and thus how much pressure has built up?)

Which, finally, dictates the launch angle.

Oh...to be able to measure all of these factors in the heat of the moment. To know how to adjust your aim? When to tilt your pelvis forwards? To Raise up? To Lower down? But not too far down cause god forbid you touch the seat.

I beg of you, my physicist readers. Please help us analyze these factors so we can be good citizens and help improve the cleanliness of our public restrooms.

Apologetic Poo

I must apologize. I have abandoned you. Its not like the thought to connect with you all did not cross my mind every time a new blogging topic surfaced (at least once a day when all was going well;). But I am back. And I am re-committing to further sharing. Stay tuned for my thoughts on how my poo and my dogs poo are sometimes similar, the ever fascinating discussion about the "morning after drinking beer" poo, and much, much more.